|Series 01, Episode 5|
|Air Date||26 March 2001|
Lard is the fifth episode of series one
Jonny is worried that he is falling for Louise, but is reassured when he kisses her and notices she tastes of lard. Donna redecorates Gaz’s flat, resulting in an argument between them because it is too feminine for him, but they make up. Janet tries to become a comedienne, but fails miserably: until she finds out about Jonny and Louise and her insults of the rest of the gang are found amusing.
Jonny tells Gaz a joke that they find really funny but Janet had told Jonny the joke and he said it wasn't funny. Gaz and Jonny tell Janet that girls can't be funny. So Janet vows to be funny and digs out all her joke books and begins annoying her friends with the bad jokes. During a conversation with Gaz down the pub Jonny fears he may be in love with Louise. Jonny becomes more worried when he goes home to find Louise lying on the floor playing dead and thinking she's hurt goes to help but he accidentally touches her booby!!! Louise asks Jonny to go shopping with her for hair removal cream because her arms are too hairy.
While out shopping Jonny takes the opportunity and kisses Louise. Louise looks rather pleased but Jonny is disgusted saying she tastes of lard. Jonny cured of his infatuation with Louise goes to the pub to talk to Gaz and tells him he's thinking of telling Janet about the kiss but Gaz tells him not to.
Janet and Donna arrive at the pub so Janet can try and make them laugh with her jokes. She won't shut up and Gaz becomes so annoyed he just blurts out about Jonny kissing Louise. Janet phones Louise and demands she come down the pub so she can have it out with her. But when Louise arrives she's shocked to discover Louise's arms are in bandages and at first thinks Jonny is responsible but Louise tells her she had an allergic reaction to the hair removal cream.
After this confusion Janet starts throwing insults at all her friends making them laugh, they tell her she's good at insulting people so she forgives her friends. However, walking home Jonny says it was a good thing he kissed Louise otherwise Janet wouldn't have realised how funny she was at insulting people. But Janet says it's ok because she got her revenge by also kissing Louise and that it was more a medicine taste than lard. At this news Jonny gloats he also touched her booby.
Donna offers to tidy Gaz's flat so thinking he's the master of cunning goes off to the pub leaving Donna to it. Although when he comes back he discovers she's re-designed the flat to look like the inside of a care bear!!! Gaz is not pleased and shouts and Donna who storms off. He later goes to see her and they make up.